My Story

Fear

Five days after giving birth to my daughter, Eleanore, my world turned upside down. Debilitating anxiety hit me like a truck and knocked me off my feet. I felt like I was drowning in a world that no longer made any sense. I was unable to eat, sleep, get dressed, or perform basic daily functions. My mind was bombarded with worries and thoughts of harm coming to my daughter. The harder I tried to sleep the more alert I seemed to become. After five days without sleep I began to hallucinate and scream for help, for relief.

I was terrified. I didn’t have the language for what I was feeling. I only knew that I was afraid. I would later learn that I was experiencing severe and rapid onset postpartum OCD. It had taken hold of my mind and convinced me that I couldn’t trust myself around my daughter. It told me that I might somehow lose control and do something to hurt her against my will. The level of distress this caused me was torturous. Intrusive thoughts ran on a loop in my head. During an excruciating two day visit to the ER my husband and I were denied the psychiatric help that I so desperately needed.

This was followed by a ten day psychiatric hospitalization during which I was separated from my five day old daughter. I had to beg to be assisted with a pump, and was kept awake at night by patients yelling in the hallways. I ached for my new daughter and spent days alone before being seen by a psychiatrist. I did everything I could to hold on to hope during this time. Prayer and family got me through, but the hospital stay served as only a band-aid for the acute anxiety and sleep deprivation that I was facing.

When I finally returned home from the hospital, I struggled with my OCD and anxiety without any tools or understanding of how the illness worked. Every day felt like a battle. Horrible images scattered my mind, I still had trouble sleeping, and I was plagued with worries and crippling fear about harm coming to my daughter. I was losing hope.

Desperate for help, I did a search and discovered a place called The Motherhood Center. The Motherhood Center specializes in providing support and clinical treatment to new and expecting mothers experiencing perinatal mood and anxiety disorders (PMADs). From the moment I called, I was met with reassurance and kindness. I was listened to with an attentiveness that felt foreign to me. It was such a relief. Six weeks postpartum and I was finally in good hands.

Hope

I am enough. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t have to have all the answers. I am loved.

This is a mantra that became second nature to me during my time at TMC. I found myself repeating it in my head while doing the dishes, crossing the street, brushing my teeth. The words became ingrained in my mind, a well worn path--a path I plan to take often, for the rest of my life. When I first heard the words Self Compassion, I felt like I was looking into a void. What is it? I wondered. How do you do it? I had cried in frustration in group therapy when the term was presented to us. The therapist had floated the word out to the room of women, prompting us to respond with our thoughts on it. The words hung in the air, taunting me as I tried to grasp the concept. I felt like I was being asked to speak a language I’d never heard of. Like a distant form of French or Latin. I was angry. How could I learn to speak a language that I’d never known to exist?

The therapist ended the group that day with some advice. She suggested that we choose some words of self-compassion and begin saying them to ourselves. You won’t believe them at first, she told us. But just start. Perhaps one could describe this as a leap of faith. To believe in something without proof. I stared into the void, and though I didn’t yet believe, I started. I am enough. I am doing the best that I can. I don’t have to have all the answers. I am loved. The words felt foreign and clunky in my mind. But I was determined. Slowly but intentionally I began beating one of many new pathways through the dark brush and bramble of my mind. Paths paved by acceptance and self compassion.

Patient, understanding, compassionate, nurturing, validating, empathetic, open, supportive, encouraging, determined--these words only begin to describe the women of The Motherhood Center and the care that they provide. Throughout my two months at the center I felt the strong, steady embrace of both the caregivers and the other patients as I navigated my OCD, acute anxiety, and the daunting fears and massive sense of responsibility that come with new motherhood.

Lessons Learned

I learned many lessons during my recovery. Some that I wish to share:

• Accept reality and respond the best that you know how. Motherhood and life will present many challenges. Letting go of control and embracing what is rather than attempting to orchestrate how you want it to be will allow for greater peace.

• Self love allows for a greater capacity to give love.

• All emotions are valid.

• Reflect inwardly often. Ask for what you need.

• It is in accepting that two opposing feelings can be true at once that we can begin to tolerate more and struggle less.

• The present moment is all we have. Embrace it.

My Call To Share

After my postpartum experience, I am on a mission to share my learnings with other moms in hopes that they too can cultivate self-love and mindfulness in these times of uncertainty.

With that mission, I would like to introduce: Mindful Mamas--a four session group program for moms that meets for an hour each week for four weeks. Each session we focus on getting to know each other and providing/receiving support during these difficult times. We will also discover and implement one new Mindfulness Skill each week to help with managing anxiety and difficult emotions that we may be feeling as we try to juggle an uncertain world and motherhood. When a mom at your company signs up, she will be added to a Slack channel with a cohort of 6-8 moms from the company for access to program resources and continued support from her fellow moms after the close of the program.

The moms at your company may not be in a state of crisis as I was, but it is my belief that all mothers can benefit from the incredible skills and lessons that I learned in my journey to recovery.

While at the center, not only did I learn important skills for managing difficult emotions, but I also benefited greatly from the group of other women who were attending the program. They provided a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on, and arms to embrace me. We still have a group chat to this day for baby questions, venting, and laughs.

It is my hope that should you choose to bring Mindful Mamas to your company your working moms will feel seen and supported.